I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
