It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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