girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
