I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i think my tv is drunk
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
