The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
