I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
