The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
