I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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