1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
