the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
