I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
