if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
