Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
