No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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