Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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