You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
