I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
