my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
