I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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