why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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