Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
