I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
