It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
