One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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