So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
