you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
