Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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