Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
