Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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