You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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