I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
