Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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