There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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