holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
