I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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