Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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