I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
