Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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