Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
