soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
