It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
