The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
