Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
