She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
