I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
