I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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