Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
