I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
