i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
