On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
